Know Fear

09 was good enough

2009-12-23T18:28:00.000-08:00

Geez Louise,
I guess if there are no real problems to worry about I can always invent some.
Life sure is good for me despite what is happening with the rest of the world.
Out of debt and still raking in the dough.
Still missing some companionship but I guess I always will huh?
No biggie.
Been there, done that.
I'd advertise that I am available but then I'd have to deal with some people whom I'd probably not wish to speak with. You know, people who point out that I am not the be all end all.
I never claimed that I am anything more that myself.
Good enough for me.
I do have very little patience for everyone else.
If you cannot act or react as well as I then leave me alone and stay off the road.
I want.
I can live without.
life is good.
Do I stink?
The world is a funny place. This is a funky time to be alive.
Job is ok. I'm okay. Everyone I care about is alright. I get what I want. More than I need.
Just wish everyone else had life as good as me.
I see on tv how some of the people live, (MTV cribs revisited) and wonder what is up with the attraction of being so rich.
I have lived with so little I guess that the splendor of having a HUGE house (for one) with tons of toys is going a little to far.
Compared to some people I live in a huge house and have tons of toys so I guess you have to see things from somewhere.
Be wary. This computer stuff will bite us all in the butt.
Fun and games right now but the way some of my co-workers play with their phones and do all sorts of on line crap gives me concern.
Big brother does watch us all.
See!
I will make up crap to worry about!
Let me say that life is darn good for me right now.
Tomorrow I may be dead and life may not be so good.
Love while you can.
I wish I had some balls enough to go tell a girl I like her.
One problem is I don't know how old she is and if she is way young I'd be an old perv.
She knows how old I am.
Way old.
Next year I'll be older.
Duh..... Me smart.

Who says I am not as stupid as I look?

2008-06-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

Been a long while since I wanted to write anything. Now is as good a time as any. Things can't go any better. I do not have anything to complain about. Life is good!
Why should I even worry? Life seems to roll along pretty good without my two bits worth.
There is the rub. Why is life all of a sudden so good to me? Is the other shoe about to drop?
I'm not sorry about the way things are going, just a little concerned that things are going just a bit to smoothly.
I am not one of those persons who made it to this point in my life because of any plan since plans are for sissies and taking care of what comes next is the fun of all of 'it' anyway right?
I'm not bored. I have things to do. I am waiting for miss right to show up and share some of these things with me but I am not holding my breath. I have friends and family to play with. Work is a joy (breeze) and there have been challenges to occupy me but the fear is missing.
I watch and listen to everything that I can and yet all is well.
There is the rub. Nothing is on the radar. Sonar has no signal. All is very quiet.
Kind of like the quiet before the storm.
I'm ready and yet never ready.
Why is there this feeling of impending doom swirling down deep without making any waves?
I'm going to keep on keeping on for the time being.
Hopefully sounding less and less paranoid as time comes to us.
I can feel bliss every now and then.
I feel normal.
Almost to good.
Done.

Just when you thought...

2007-11-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

Things are still going quite well for me. Almost too well if you were me looking at my life.
It has been a while since something hit the fan is all.
I won't complain. I won't second guess anything. I will enjoy everything.
Be well world.

Dig it!

2007-04-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

I am a permanent person at work now who has a future where there was none before!
I have purchased a fantastic car I have always wanted and so much more!
Times are coming to such that I cannot imagine this is my life I am speaking of.
I have spent tons of time on the car and have the inside ready to roll and much much more to do to the outside.
Forget about the mechanical stuff, that will be an never ending story.
What the heck!
When else will I have time to work on a 1968 Skylark?
Life is getting good!
Could be better you know.
Maybe tomorrow huh?

Oh My God!

2007-02-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

2007 already and I'm still alive!
Things are going so well I am quite sure there is a plot somewhere that I am the subject of that will destroy me.
How can I be such a person and still get by as I have? With all that I call my own I can only hope the future is not so bleak as I see it portrayed on the tv since life itself has been a long struggle thus far to come to this point of disbelief.
Why am I the one to figure into anything?
The same reason I sound so incredulous about having any bliss.
Why not?
What makes me so special?
Tomorrow may answer all questions.
Thank you for today.
Best of luck to all.
Pray I don't have a bad day eh.

It's Been A Long Time

2007-01-12T21:15:00.000-08:00

Sorry to keep all of you waiting for so long but forget about it, things have been happening that I could not control and who cares huh?
For one thing I got a decent job that I enjoy and things are going quite well.
The only thing wrong with me having the job is that I am 'temp' and now I am waiting to 'get' the job that I have been doing for a year and a quarter and then I will have the job as a 'permanent' type person instead of the temporary person I have been this long year and a quarter only if I qualify somehow that they never let me know what I should do to qualify.
Other than that I have started working on the bike and I finally bought the car and things are going along quite well. Plenty of work to do to keep me busy.
How droll. I am the person I am.
What ever happened to that other guy (me) who would actually do stuff for fun?
Got old?
Me?
I guess so. I'm tired. I am not able to drink as much as I used to and the day after is not as bad due to the lack of punishment.
Maybe I'm not as stupid.
No.
I'm still as stupid as ever.
I Love something that is never going to happen.
There is no one out there that can ever be as (not perfect by any means) nice as I want.
There are no women out there who can be free and...
There you go.
There are some girls out there who don't want a man just for the money or security he can provide, just for the stuff he can give,but maybe they just want someone who can converse them without pissing them off. Not that pissing them off is bad. Sometimes people see things different. People do want intelligent conversation though. I do. I want some one who knows the past. Someone who remembers that the future is our own responsibility and if we screw this up we all die. We as in "the power of the people" "the government" "Them darned rich guys who don't give a hoot" "the people with power" "Not my boss but his boss's boss's boss's boss. The head honcho. We let them do the job and say we had nothing to do with everything will be a cop out. We will not have done anything!
The good thing about being a peon is that we can hunker down and not be a part of the game. We can live a life we create for ourselves and not fret about the conditions around the world. If we can. If it does not touch us.
My mind perhaps has a bit to much empathy.
My mind is goo.
If I had a mind I'd fix things.
If I had a mind I'd come up with a solution.
Remember when we all thought that things were fine?
Thats how everyone everywhere should feel..
If there is a earthquake somewhere we know that good people will respond with whatever help they can. If there is a drought somewhere, people will respond and help as much as they can knowing how risky their own life is on this fragile globe is.
Think any of that will happen?
It will. But not in the way you think.
We will all get along.

I could'a been a contender

2006-08-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

Back in the day I used to be a pissed off paranoid freak who knew everything and told you what I knew and then we would argue why I was wrong until I told you I was just arguing for the heck of it and I thought the same way you did in the beginning.
In these recent days of being happy I have lost all control over myself and seem to find little time to bitch about anything. (Ain't that a bitch?)
What has happened?
The world has not gotten any better except for the amount of cash flowing into my pockets. There is still rampant strife everywhere else that I used to champion against.
Has my own welfare taken precedence?
Okay so I ain't no rich boy but then again I never wanted to become what I have seen all my life as wasted air being used by spoiled little people who will spend more in a day than I make in a year on something they think will do something for them and still not find what I have inside.
Not happiness.
Not contentment.
Certainly not bliss.
Me.
There is nothing greater in this world than being me. Even if we are not speaking about me.
Being yourself is way better than being what you think...
What you think is hip...
What you think you should be...
What you want to be...
And on and on...
My ego must be huge!
And yes! I do and did want to be someone else. In the end of the day I do like my piece of crap car that gets me to work everyday since I remember what it was like to have to walk everywhere. I do end up seeing myself sometimes with a smile on my face that doesn't make me cringe. I can't remember anything that I did that was so horrible that I ruin someone else's life. (I hope I don't remember any.)
I do respect others for their seemingly large brains.
When I do meet up with some of them though in settings more private it seems they specialized and don't know squat about other stuff like how to check their oil or what actually happens when you flush a toilet. Important stuff? Only if you drive and poop.
If you don't drive or have a toilet then I too am one of them folks who waste time with unnecessary knowledge.
Then again...
I am a moron.
What I know isn't worth spit.
What I can do and what I won't do don't mean nothing.
What I do say or seem to say never comes out the way I hear things in my brain.
The voice I hear on any recording of myself is not me, not even close.
What is happening?
I want to be abusive. I want to be an extrovert and make things uncomfortable for others yet I am respectful and quite.
Let loose the dogs of WAR!
I shall revel in your despair!
If I have too I guess I can be a pill.
Just now I'm having a good time.
I need something I can't buy yet I will get it if I am patient I think.
Someone wants me right?

Such a wonderful day to be living as I am

2006-05-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

Heck, it was a pretty good day for a lot of people around here weather wise but what I wanted to impart was that for me it was a pretty darn good day to be me.
I wish that people were as happy as I am.
Maybe I died a long time ago and I'm in heaven.
No wait, there is still all this other crap happening everywhere else.
At least my teeth don't hurt.
Today.
Life is good.
I feel guilty.
How can I feel so good?
I know the rest of the world is in turmoil...
Okay some of it is.
Some of the world sucks, some of it does not.
I feel for those who do not have any good days.
I never was one of them though was I?
Maybe I thought I was.
Today was a good day.
Maybe tomorrow will be worse.
I'm not used to being happy I guess.
I did see a beautiful woman whom I wished I had spoken to... But why intrude or her happiness with my my fumbling banter?
Maybe tomorrow I will have a better day huh?
I love everything which must mean everything is about to go to hell.
How can I be so bitter?
Watch the news and see other people suffer and not feel empathy.
There! Now you don't care!
I want what I want but I want everyone else to get some too.
I'd better go before I give away the secret to my success.
Love you all,
me

Why me?

2006-04-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

Things are going almost too well.
I'm beginning to look for the piano that is going to fall on my head.
Things are going to well for me I should say, I will say.
The rest of the world is going to the birds.
Why can't we all just get along?
Greed?
Evil?
It's got to be something.
I will explain everything to everyone one day.

gettin there

2006-03-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I have felt like I have had the time to do anything like writing on a blog.
Right now is a good time.
A perfect time.
The heating works and everything is happening as I wish in my new home that I rent and I am satisfied for the moment.
I wish I more time to do the things I still need to do so that I will feel as if I have the time to do what I wish but that will take time.
Time.
Here I sit and complain about time and the rest of the world keeps passing me by with their own troubles with time.
I have to sort through a garage (YES!!! now I have a garage to put all the junk I don't want to have cluttering up my 'space'!) full of crap and pick what comes inside and what stays 'put away' yet I await a decent day to do this.
Why? Cause I'm a freak and need to know where things are and what about it?
I got brainwashed in the army and I can't do a thing with it (brain) since then.
Next I'll be complaining about not meeting the woman of my dreams.
Easy enough answer to that problem.
Lisa Robertson of the QVC channel probably has nothing but contempt for people of my sort so I won't go there.
She sure does seem like a good (high maintenance though,) person to me. I bet there is something she wishes for, perhaps like not being in the spotlight 'all' the time or maybe she thrives on the attention.
If only I could meet a special anyone.
I do meet people all the time but I am uncertain.
Like today.
A woman was walking her dog and was friendly enough to say hello and engage me in conversation for a minute about how nice the day was. I assume it was her dog. Then later upon her return up the street I (we) spoke again and her dog had to meet me giving me the feeling she was not repulsed by my mere presence. Would it have been wrong to speak a little more intimately with her? Ask her how she was doing? Skirt around the old 'Your husband must be a happy guy to have you 'gag' and delve into the pickup line pressure talk I always feel women must be annoyed with (if not flattered with) and risk a negative response? She wasn't any 'Lisa' but she was nice. Why do I feel as if I have to keep a disconnection between myself and everyone else so that they don't get any mixed messages?
I never got into any trouble with any mis-direction before.
Maybe I'm just shy.
Good enough for me for now.
Better to be me than to be some of these other freaks out there.
I have no enemies that rage against me to my knowing.
I have no one but my family concerned with what I do.
I am no one.
Just as I like it.
That doesn't repulse the feeling that I want more respect.
I have done what I have done and I think I need some respect.
I saved the world didn't I?
Maybe I didn't actually save the world but who knows? Maybe I did?
You owe me big time.
If I had done that instead of this I could have started world war three and then where would you all be?
Under my thumb!
Have a great day as I trust I shall also enjoy.
Love to all and more to 'her'.
There is nothing I cannot do.
Say's me.

life is going well eh?

2006-02-16T18:37:00.000-08:00

Now that I am moving from my living hell hole of an apartment I expect to be able to satisfy some of my more basic urges and devote myself to living rather than hating my upstairs neighbor.
Can you imagine living below someone you know is stupid?
Someone who must not know what a dustpan is used for?
GRRRRRR!!!!!
Now I want to be left alone to create a life that I trust will be as rosy as my future portends in my dreams.
Maybe I will be lucky this time.

What am I?

2006-01-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

Now that the pressure is off from the holiday season I am relaxing and wasting time doing what I do best. That's right. Not a darn thing.
How can I be such a dufuss and whine and complain about all that I have been going through without realizing that other people are going through much much worse?
Simply enough I am not other people.
I'm sorry I feel empathy for others while still being selfish enough to be concerned about the tiny problems I face day to day.
My dealing with co-workers and the neighbors and landlords and everyone else sometimes affects my sleep and that affects me. I like having things done a certain way. Probably 'my way' but what the heck, in my life I'm always in the right.
Being the shallow person that I am should be no surprise to anyone.
When I used to feel like I had a chance at being someone different from the rest I got beat down and reminded that I am no one special and to forget about any dreams I have since I am not going to amount to anything anyway.
I learned early (not early enough) that you are born into privilege and anyone attempting to rise above will be tolerated perhaps, but never accepted as an equal.
Listen to that whine!
Oh whoa is me!
I'm not going to be a putz like the rich people I see everyday!
I can be normal!
Yeah!
I can be me and forget all about trying to conform.
The prize has not been hung to high. I found out that the prize is not worth the effort or what you have to lose to attain the ever elusive golden fleece.
I have nothing. I want for very little. I am happy.
I have not given up on anything.
Tickle me. Do I not laugh?
I will be better when I get better.
Until then forget everything.
I am waiting.
Patiently.

The great depression

2005-12-24T11:36:00.000-08:00

I guess I am one of those people who suffers during the holidays.
I don't know what it is but I don't have the holiday spirit that I once enjoyed when I was younger.
Right now I only think about how there are lots and lots of other people who can not have a merry christmas and won't enjoy a happy new year.
I have everything and a bright future ahead of me so I don't want to incur any pity.
I'm just saying out loud that I wish everyone would take a moment to look around them and decide how much is enough. I'm not saying I am not the greediest person on this earth, I don't have that much, but there are some of us who have way to much to have to acquire more at others expense.
One example is the oil folks who will rake in billions of dollars of profit while some people will freeze to death because they will not be able to afford to pay for heat this winter. Billions of dollars profit. Not a nice bit of change but so much money that they will have to stretch their imaginations to figure out how to spend more loot on something that they will rarely use.
Those are the types of people I wish would become a little nicer.
I will try to give away all the time I can to help someone else since my effort will cost me more than mere cash. Even that won't make much of a ripple but it will make me feel a little better.
The material christmas will ever be the curse we suffer while we purchase cheap crap that no one really needs.
We used to celebrate christmas for different reasons didn't we?
I did and do enjoy receiving presents.
I do enjoy shopping for something that might put a smile on someones face if only for a moment.
Money is not the issue.
People living in fear, dying because other people don't care, suffering because we all are guilty of not caring about anyone but ourselves isn't really the issue.
I have no idea what the issue is.
Maybe my deepening depression is worrying me because I have nothing else to complain about right now.
Ain't that rough?
Poor me.
We will all find out what life is all about.
By then it will be a little late eh?
I am such a sap.
Happy Christmas to everyone and a Merry New Year as well.
I'll try to lighten up.

Now I'm even worse

2005-12-07T16:54:00.000-08:00

Life is always a trial isn't it?
Leading us on a journey where we hope to find the answers to all of our questions as we learn new things.
Why then is the addition of new input so discouraging to me?
Why didn't anyone ever tell the truth?
Why cannot we all get along?
I don't have 'it all' nor do I require all that I want. Life was given to me for me to live right? Not for me to just be a snotty little brat who gets what ever he (or she) wants.
What I do want is one nights peaceful sleep without the need or use of something to help me forget that the world is spinning down to it's own self destruction with a little help from our friends who think they are in charge.
I had a little discussion with my co-worker today about leisure time and his desire was that he wanted the time to do nothing.
Maybe I mis-understood him and he meant he wanted the time to do nothing but what he wanted.
My own opinion, which means nothing, is that I'd like to have leisure time to do what I want after I have to do what I need to do to support myself.
If I won the lottery and had everything I need and wanted handed to me I'd have to figure out something new (weird) to desire since there is nothing I would need and I do not know if I am capable of of such deep thoughts since I already have everything I want.
So far that is.
I have not been exposed to all there is out there yet I imagine.
Strange.
I got a little indignant with the puke (co-worker) cause it sounds to me like he never heard the word 'no' in his life.
Precocious.
Mommy's and daddy's little angel who never knew what is was like to not excel at whatever he tried at. (with all the help money can buy I assume) (you know what happens when we assume anything right?)
Maybe he is right and I am wrong.
After all this time I'm wrong.
Thank goodness.
I'm getting tired of being right all the time.
Perfection is something to achieve I guess. When you are perfect it is something to continue to dread.
I'm not perfect.
Close but no cigar.
I don't even want to be.
As far as those people who think they are in charge of us...
Guess what. You remain in "charge" only as long as you do what we want you to.
The mass will roll over the few.
In our case, those of us who live allow you to play as long as you play nice. When you cross the line we have nothing to live for any longer and we will put a stop to you once and for all.
Check the history books.
Always happens that way huh?
People matter, governments don't.
Tell us what we want to hear and don't try to fool us with what you think you can get away with.
We know that things are not so grand out there.
You have the power but you squander the time you have.
Time will tell.
Joe Blow will spit on the grave of the richest man (or woman) after he buries them and call it a day.
No one cares in the long run.
Do you want to be Cesar of Rome?
He is dead.
What did he have?
Everything.
What was out there that he didn't have?
Everything.
All the room I have I guess. It's been a good day.

A perfect time to reflect

2005-11-25T14:28:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness all the hub bub over thanksgiving is over and I can relax.
My poison oak skirmish is fading into memory and the nasty case of flu I caught is in retreat.
Everyone is fine and dandy in my world. Maybe they are not happy with what they have at this time but they are not asking me for any help so I am happy.
I'm sorry the rest of the world is all messed up but maybe so it has been written that this happens to guide us along a path.
Heavy.
I'd hate to think I am anything important to what happens.
If not for my being lazy I'd be doing the tasks I need to perform right now. Thank god for 'later'.
Right now I get to pound away at the keyboard and make myself feel like I have something other than a pathetic life.
Not to say I have a pathetic life.
If only I knew what a truly pathetic life was, then I'd be on my knees thanking who ever I could for the wonderful life I do have.
It is a wonderful life.
All I have to do is to constantly remind myself to keep a grip and not to freak out huh?
There is a reason why things happen right?
I read something about Buddha and what he found and I kind of agree with a few of his points. Yes things happen. No there is nothing we can do to change things sometimes. We have been given this opportunity to live and we only have to live our lives. Therefore I am the luckiest person ever to live. I think I am happy with what I have.
The only thing that can go better for me is for the world to change into some kind of place where we all live a better life. Everyone. Not richer or happier perhaps, but someplace where we all accept responsibility for our actions and therefore we don't do the things we do to get away with the nasty things we do to get ahead since it has been drummed into our heads that to be happy we have to be successful and wealthy or something like that.
Somewhere where I don't have to feel guilty for having what I worked for while a bunch of lazy people want what I have because we live in a republic where we all have to share.
Then again I work with someone now who might be a reflection of myself and I don't like what I see.
Am I really that shallow? I can't believe I am as selfish as he might be, unless perhaps I am prejudiced because I am jealous.
Such a great life and I fall into the pits of despair by my own actions.
Can't I just be happy that I get to do what I do?
Oh yeah I forgot. I am happy.
Yeah like happiness is all that important anyway.
I guess I need confrontation to be happy.
Better than living in such a boring place that nothing ever disturbs you huh?

Another day at the races

2005-11-09T04:31:00.000-08:00

The news of the world isn't getting any better or is it merely because the only news I hear from 'out there' is the latest worst thing that has happened because it is what sells or attracts attention?
My own world is one of wonder and delight. It is not that all around me are happy people who smile all the time and have not a care in the world, but I do notice that there are some fairly satisfied folks out here who worked for what they have and appreciate what life has to offer.
Though I pick and chose what I use to guide myself through life, words like responsibility and morals do have an impact.
One thing I use often to explain the hows and whys of day to day stuff is 'god provides for those who do'.
I understand that I have not used the exact wording nor do I probably understand the inference of what was meant by the phrase as it was written but the simple truth is that I believe that even a blind pig stumbles on a truffle every now and then and we have to wait for our time to come.
Something like that.
'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' is another favorite.
'It's nice to be nice'
'Greed kills'
'If you hate someone you murder them in your mind'
'There is no excuse'
All of this is high and mighty of me isn't it?
I am not casting any stones as I live in a glass house.
While I judge, I remember that I too will be judged.
If I am right, we will all die and go to heaven where we will be met and assured that we are in a better place and we will decide for ourselves mostly what will become of us for eternity after we are seated and given whatever we want for refreshments and are shown our lives from birth to death as many times as we need to watch and we will see all of the things that we did, all of the ants that we burned with a magnifying glass, all of the catty things we said and the results of such actions. At the end we will either beg forgiveness or explain that we did nothing wrong and scream as we descend to hell where we will suffer every mis-deed we ever did to others. An ant will hold a magnifying glass and burn us for each one we killed. We will wilt under the scorn of feelings of shame as others mock us for being slow or weak. We will starve as we know that someone has taken our food from our mouths because we were once so blind to others that we did nothing to help them survive one more day.
One more quote 'No person past the innocent age of childhood would wantonly kill another living creature knowing how tenacious our own grasp on life is'.
I will not go down in history as anything special.
I only hope that I do not go down in history as anything horrible.
I may not pity but I do empathize.
'There go I but for the grace of god'.
Life sucks and then you die. If I were a kid growing up in Afghanistan for example I might feel a little resentful of everyone. As it is I am not. I grew up with a perfect childhood and a wonderful adulthood even if some people would hate to be me.
I have nothing. I have everything.
I want nothing.
I want more.
I need something no one can sell me.
If there is a reason for my being I only hope I accomplish whatever it is. If I already accomplished such a thing and the rest of my life is given to me for my enjoyment then I hope I learn to live each day and remember to appreciate every moment for what I have been given.
It would be a shame to find out that each one of us lived in separate dimensions and starred in our own lives, everything else we perceive as reality being our imaginations and upon ending of our lives we find out that we had wasted the one chance of life by being the one whom we most likely were because of some imbalance.
That doesn't sound right.
We find out we could have been superman except for our lack of self confidence?
Something like that.
At least in my dreams I am able to be better than I am in day to day life.
Reality is for those of us who lack imagination right?
If it is true that one religion is the only way there is to get to heaven, like christianity, then what about the rest of us who don't go there?
I hear about how god loves us all since we are his creations and I say stuff like "If I was born on some island out in the ocean way back when and never heard of god like I have in my own life now, does that mean I go to hell just because? I mean god made us all right? So did he waste all those lives he gave to those others merely because they never heard of the bible or christianity? They lived good lives and never did anything bad and helped each other exactly like what god says we should do so don't they get into heaven?"
How about the mentally retarded folks who can't perceive of such a thing as a god? Is there no room for those gentle creatures in heaven whom I think are gods favorite since they probably never even have an evil thought in their heads ever?
Such a life huh?
We will all die.
What we do next with our lives might be why we are here in the first place.
If you all merely bit players in my life then I thank you for your time and effort.
I'm sorry for all I have done that has been bad.
I only wish I had an idea what I should do next.

At long last

2005-11-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

Finally, a day off without a darn thing to do but laundry and house keeping chores I have been putting off for way to long.
Work is great as far as work goes. I kind of do miss the stress and pace of the old job but that must be a trace of insanity. As long as I keep learning the nuances of my new duties I know I will shine.
Life just won't keep still will it? Here I get a little slack and the rest of the world plunges ahead with no regard. All this stuff happening elsewhere does make me feel glad I don't have anything to do with the mess and yet there must be something I can do to help. Beside gripe and moan that is.
Perhaps I should continue to keep my head above water as it is and let everyone else flounder as they will. If I can keep my rage inside I should be okay. The problems of the world do not need me interfering, that's all I know. I fear the results of my feelings should they become public. Judge not least ye be judged right?
If the world has to continue along the path we are following then the results will be what they will be. As it is written and all that junk. Add a pandemic and then the unrest and we might just have some loser push the button and prove how much of a dink he (she) really is.
The prediction of doom is nothing new. I believe everyone has thought that their generation has been the one that would witness the end of time. I really do not care if this is the end or not. I believe what I believe and that's all there is to say about that.
The fact that what we fat and lazy americans will go through is the challenge I hope to witness first hand.
If perchance there was something akin to a atmospheric EMP blast that messed up all our technology and all of a sudden we were stone age creatures once again I think it would be good for us to be reminded of how frail we are.
The attitudes I sense from some people would be the death of them. Money is not the answer. Power corrupts. It is nice to be nice. Not that I condone anarchy or the rule of the many by those that are strong, but the weak will be eaten.
The mighty lion in the wild is king of the beast as long as the prey he kills does not get a lucky kick to the jaw that breaks the bone, rendering the once mighty down to a helpless creature starving to death. The lowly mouse will turn and fight once it figures it has no escape. I guess even us humans are getting to a point where the division between the haves and have not's is starting to annoy us.
I have everything. I need nothing. I am blessed. I am cursed.
Life is living. Death will be watching.
Is there another dimension that we proceed to at the end of our time? One where we can see what we accomplished with our lives? Maybe we just stop being all together.
I doubt it.
I am nothing.
I am everything.
Today will be an answer of sorts. I will find someone one day who will love me.
I will love someone.
I will understand that what I feel toward the people who interfere with my life is not hatred, merely disgust. The lousy neighbor is not who I should rant and rave about, I must ignore them and pretend I never was him to someone else.
I need to get a life I guess.
Perfection isn't all it promised.
I am not who I fear I am.
At least for everyone else's sake I hope not.
Live long and prosper.
Let's all just get along as best we can huh?
Forgive me.

Even heaven has it's pitfalls

2005-11-04T05:36:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong now, the new job is great.
All I need to do is get away from the guy I'm training under and start to take the breaks we have neglected to take from the first day.
I'm there to provide a service not break all records for the most work done in a day.
Not yet at least.
Got to go to work now.
Should be a glorious day.

One week down

2005-10-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

The first week of new employment has passed and only a lifetime to go. I think I have things going my way, now if only I am able to maintain will I get through the next period of being the fng. One huge fear is that I will go insane and do something stupid. I don't recall ever self destructing but now that things are going so well I fear for myself.
Will I ever feel secure?
Do I want to feel secure?
Am I so comfortable being the little guy who has no responsibility that I will subconsciously do something to return to mediocrity?
Remembering where I am from is important yet it also is a tool to use so that I do not become 'one of them' as well.
My future is cast and I am only seeing the present as it arrives.
Will I win?

Almost afraid

2005-10-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

I have done the very thing I have hoped to accomplish in my recent actions and now I wait for the deed to transpire.
Monday will be the first day in what I hope will be the beginning to a beautiful world that will open my eyes to the wonders of life that have escaped me for so long, hidden by the fear and loathing of how the world treats it's lowest creatures who merely desire to experience life and not to participate in the frenzy of 'the game'.
I myself hope to no longer have the minor worries of the past that have plagued me.
Now... If only the world can contain itself just a little longer and not destroy itself, I will attempt to be happier than ever.
Such a small thing huh?
This next step forward will not change me, it will give me hope that the rest of the world can do the very same.
I will not forget what I have survived through nor the people I have left behind.
My next chapter in this life might just be my worst nightmare after all, but lets let things happen and see if there is anything I can do to control myself.
This news of the flu pandemic coming soon is not worrisome to myself, I can whoop any virus that comes my way due to the fact that I have a will to live like no other person I know of. There is something I have been placed in this time and place to do and as far as I can see it is not to die from a bug.
Will the world allow the people to suffer? Will a certain government spread this newest disease among it's enemy's just so that they are not the only country stricken?
The paranoia that spreads through my mind with the possibilities of the evil that men are capable of doing sends me into shock knowing that I too am capable of these actions all done in the name of what I believe to be good and right.
While I live and breathe there is a fear in me that I have the responsibility of the world on my shoulders, that my next deed or action just might be the lever that sends the world spinning into a darkness that none shall enjoy.
A impoliteness given out without thought, a gesture or action that drives another over the edge, a pivotal word that starts the whole ball of wax melting into a puddle.
Oh yeah, I am the only one out here that has anything to do with the ways of the world and what happens.
If I wake up from this dream all of you will cease to exist and I will forget everything in a moment as I rise to face another day in the real world.
How do you know? How would I know?
Pinch me?
I've had some dreams where everything is real. Sights, sounds, textures, everything. As real as this world is right now. Thank goodness I am not prone to having nightmares. With my imagination I could easily scare myself to death. I did once. Okay, not to death but the image I saw was the scariest thing ever thought of and I hope it was nothing to do with the future because if it is I am a dead man.
Whatever it was in my dream that scared me made this world I am experiencing right now seem like paradise which this world just might be after all.
Right here, right now might just be the best we (or I) will ever have things.
With the price of everything going up and out of here, the rich getting way to rich and the poor becoming way to poor, what is left?
Is there someone who is coming along to make everything okay?
If they do try I bet they get killed by the 'others'.
The only thing I see bringing everybody to a level playing field is perhaps something like aliens coming around and letting us know that we are not alone.
Maybe eating a few of us to draw us into a family of earthlings instead of the fractured people we are right now.
All I know is if they eat us then they must be able to be eaten by us as well and there are few things worse than a cornered human.
How about an asteroid hitting the planet and the next chapter of evolution happens in a couple hundred million years with the next dominant race of creature finding bones of our time on earth and wondering what happened to us just as we wonder what happened to the dinosaurs, whom I believe were around for millions of years while we are still only thousands of years young and have ruined certain things already.
Maybe.
Maybe there is a plan and things are going right along as they should.
I am supposed to think this and go out today and do that.
If I have no choice in the matter then I have no responsibility for my actions do I?
Everything is going to happen with or without my saying a darn thing.
Unless there is free will out there and my actions are a ripple in time and cause and effect will make a difference.
The old stories about time travelers who go back in time and step on a bug which then changes everything sort of deal.
Beware what you do then.
Do you want to be remembered as the person who saved the world or ended mankind's rule?
I don't care really.
Starting Monday I will better myself and grow.
Unlike you and you who will stay in the comfort of your ruts and stagnate.
I am so going to pay for my rantings.
Maybe today I will find that certain someone as well.
Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe never.
At least I have my mind back inside my head.

All a twitter

2005-10-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

It seems as though I can not keep my mind on any one subject now as my life is heading for a distinct change and I am fearful I will not handle things as well as I hope.
I am not feeling any different from normal physically yet my mind is incapable of sorting information in it's usual efficient fashion and this perturbs me.
What happens in the next few days will be of great importance.
I will either make a break out of my current situation and travel forward through life or I will suffer another setback and depression.
Time will tell.
As will I when time passes.

This time maybe...

2005-10-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Okay I came back clean from my background check as far as I am concerned. I am available for employment if I can pass the medical exam and I know I'm good to go for that.
Maybe this time I will get the heck out of where I am at and get to a loftier place that, to me, will be a much better place.
What gets me into a frazzled state is that some people would look at the employment position I aspire to achieve as such a common position that they would not wish anything of it's like upon anyone they know. "It" being such a job you would never succumb to unless you have been charged with some heinous crime such as being a rotten fruit from daddy's loins.
There are a lot of spoiled rich brats out there who will get their comeuppance's when they find out that daddy and mom were posers who really didn't know anything except how to live well off of someone else's labor.
Maybe.
There is always the great-grand-parent who has to protect the family name.
My grandma always strove for me to be a good person god bless her soul.
Not that I haven't been trying to be a good person but I have been a lazy slob who enjoyed living more than planning for a future.
The job I am going to GET is a good one for me!
Now that I am here at this time and date I figure I can (should) plan a little better and get something out of the many positions I have enjoyed in life and coast a little.
No grand plan of 'getting over' but a solid thought that this might be a good time to get some cash in the bank for when things get really serious.
Old age can't be fun can it with the eventual end?
Heck. As old as I am now I am having problems with things I took for granted and now know that no one will care that the damage I did to myself physically was from actions taken to protect them (everyone) from evil that would have occurred had I not been in the place and time I had been. (maybe).
Maybe this is the way things happen.
You and I get a little older and we find out that getting somewhere isn't as important as the trip you take getting there.
I know more than I think, I think.
Therefore I am.

Being helpless

2005-10-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

I hate most the feeling of helplessness whilst waiting for information or news of something that I need to proceed on my journey through this life.
Right now I need something to happen to further my being and I have found out that 'it' might take as long as a month to happen.
A month!
A whole darn month that I could otherwise be using to create a whole new me.
Sometimes I am not happy.
Life sucks and then you die right?
If it were not for ill luck I would not have much luck at all it seems.
Yet I have had the most luck of all since I am here pounding away at these very keys typing this drivel and no one is the wiser.
The many exploits that might have taken someone else to their grave I have conquered and exploited for my own gain if not in length of life but in experience, certainly not for monetary gain.
The evils of seeking the cash at the end of the rainbow must be one of my most horrible dreams. Not a nightmare mind you but the thought of getting something without effort (much effort mind you) has been a carrot stuck out in front of me my whole life and I find it easier to ignore it now than to try to grasp that which has little if any benefit.
Money does buy certain things but it never will buy things that you appreciate the most like true friends or happiness.
Of course I'd like to try a little variation on the old get rich and buy what I like deal once just to make sure you know.
Falling in love with someone who might just love you for the person you are might be better than being used because you have cash but it won't satisfy the lust in ones heart.
There is a certain 'someone' whom I respect greatly who is sticking to her guns and that is one of the things I find most attractive about her.
She is willing to suffer a harder life (sans me) than necessary even with the opportunity of escape inches away merely because she said she would.
Not a married person mind you, just a girl who won't bail on her man cause things are tight.
Why can't I meet a girl like that?
Looks are one thing but personal integrity is something else.
I heard all that stuff about a man being only as good as his word and by golly it seems to have come true that I think the same way as all them old people who told me that crap who were once as young as I was once.
Learn from the past? Not in any young mans life!
A young man (myself) feels that 'This must certainly be the first time anyone has felt this way and if anyone else even suggests something different I will throw up because, I must be right!' Right?
I find myself wondering why I have nothing.
Then I remember. I have everything.
I was not willing to sacrifice myself for greed or security for the things money might procure.
What good would they do me while I was suffering from the guilt?
While I am a selfish person now it has been through great effort. Once upon a time I used to anything to make people happy with knowing me. Now I just hope I don't piss them off to much if I don't pay attention to them like they think I should.
Bad people? They are all around me but I pretty much ignore them. If I have to converse with them due to work or society rules I then take the high road and offer them courtesy but always with the look in my eyes that they must be able to read as "Hey I might have to say something but I wish you were not here because- not that I am better than you, but you are worse then me-."
When asked the question of how my day is going I always have the ready answer of "it has to get better" unless the question had been asked by someone whom I choose to speak with and then I will seek to understand the depth of their question. Polite greeting or concern?
Here is a thought.
Something happens.
To you.
To me.
Same thing right?
Do you think this, that or the other thing?
You might.
I think of the three hundred sixty ways the facts might be construed since I have the time. My point of view at this one place and from the opposite end and then from the left and from the right. Given I have the time right?
No time? Then I make a decision and follow through because I have picked which way I want things to fall. To the right. What ever will be right. Not what will be best for me but what will let me sleep without having to think that I just ruined some poor (poorer) jerks life just cause I thought I could make a bit of cash.
The few times I did such a thing I hate and wring my hands over the concern.
Telling someone that they dropped a dollar bill or something of worth and them taking them back into their possession is one of my favorite things.
Having to hand change back to cashiers because they gave me to much change is not my favorite thing but it is the 'one thing' I will do because they should learn how to make change and not cost their employer profits due to their ignorance.
Three dollars and ninety four cents from five dollars is six cents right? Not six dollars and six cents. If you have never had to hand cash back to someone and explain how you arrived at you answer; that you only handed them a five dollar bill and there should not be any way that they should have to pay me to eat their food, then you are lucky.
Or taking cash from morons because it is easy to do.
How do you know that they have to make up the difference?
Didn't know and don't care?
Wait till it happens to you and you need the extra fifteen bucks you lost to get something special for someone else. Then you will thank your god that someone out there is a nice person and not a grand witch of some cult.
Hey think this way or die!
I had to do it. Or suffer.
Thank you U.S.Army...
Now I am nobody and happy to be me.

Sorta.

Life beckons

2005-09-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

Again I am besieged by happy thoughts of what may be if things work out the way I want them to.
Already I have perused E-bay for more expensive items than I might not normally shop for yet I do not expect to be able to purchase any such products since the eggs have not hatched nor have I any chickens.
I am patiently awaiting the call from my next employer and not expecting (but praying mightily for) anything except the information that I have been okay'd thus far and the next step, which should be an easy one for me since I haven't done anything to set off any alerts that might preclude me from acceptance in the hallowed place of employment I wish I might join.
I have been a good boy.
Work last night was one of things. I got through it but I was not satisfied with the results. Given the time I could do sooo much better but the higher ups have decided I should do other things rather than deal with the problems of my own section at this time.
Oh woe is me!
Every one's life should as exciting as mine is right now with the promise of betterment in the position in life I face ahead of everything else happening in the rest of the world.
I have always seen the type of "Fred Flintstone in the quarry pit" (post office as an example) life long jobs as one of those jobs where we have to work at the same place always as a 'drudge' kinda job as the thing to avoid. Always doing the same thing you come to hate but can't stop doing cause you have bills to pay anyway. Never getting anything except too little money for the labor you perform everyday and knowing that there are plenty of people out there who would think that you have things nice as it is. Now I strive for that job.
Feeling unhappy with the good things I have is getting to be a bore.
Yes I am lucky to be me but you might be just as lucky not to be me as well.
Two of us might have to take over the world and where would we find the time to mess around huh?
At heart I am a hermit who dislikes everything about the way things in the world are proceeding.
Why the heck can't we all just get along?
Any person past the innocent age of childhood should know that the efforts of living in this day and age are arduous in the very least and we should not belittle anyone for the progress they have made thus far.
I should know that.
I still bitch and moan about how my associates are slow and lazy with no sense of urgency because I know that the roof (work) might fall on us tomorrow and if prepared we can sustain little damage if we have done extra (work) to make room for the new extra stuff.
Know what I do?
I put stuff away. It comes in and I put it away. Sometimes I hide it cuz there is nothing else I can do with it.
We are full!
Not really. We could do a whole lot better with more people but the higher ups must feel that if sixteen of us can do what we do and they can get by with and that it must be good enough.
No matter that twenty four of us could do better, but that would cut into the fifty four billion dollar a year profits!
My next job will not be so controlled by profits as the need for our service is urgent and people will pay through the nose to get service rendered.
Which will be reason enough for me to be paid twice as much to start as I am paid now after being there a year and a half.
Still...
I won't even be middle class as far as the class structure thing goes.
Poor white trash huh?
Yeah that's me.
And happy to be me...

Life is looking better

2005-09-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

Out of the blue I received a telephone call friday afternoon from a place I had interviewed and tested with last june and I now have my hopes up that I just might get the job I have had my sights set on since.
The other 'great job' I recently had my hopes up for smacked me down pretty hard when apparently the fellow in charge of hiring for this district began having personal problems and I was pushed to the back burner.
Didn't he know how much I need to get out of where I am?
None the less, I am again living with the knowledge that this may be my last week at a job I detest and abhor.
This coming new month may be the best of my life.
I might not be able to be such a bummer anymore if there isn't a crappy job to complain about huh?
Nah. There is the rest of the world left for me to empathize with.
The very thought of not having to scrap and scrimp every nickel (not that I do) and having medical and dental bennies once again is going to be wonderful.
Sure I'll miss some of the good people I work with but I'm sure they will stay in contact if I answer any missives sent my way. I gave them my e-mail address without asking for theirs cause that's the way I am. If they don't really want to they don't have to stay in touch. We are just work buddies after all.
The evil folk whom I work with will be forgotten forever. Immediately.
Life is looking better.

What the hey

2005-09-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

Ain't nothing but a thing. Last night was a confirmation that corporate has no idea what the heck is going on in reality.
Life is not meant to be so difficult.
Either you live by providing for yourself or you rely upon others right?
I'm doing my best to be on my own and not being a drain upon anyone yet I find that most of my time is being wasted by being considerate of others and having to do for them that they cannot do, thus taking my precious time and effort away from making my life easier.
Ain't nothing in the long run.
They don't owe me nothing.
Maybe a little respect.
What's that get you?
I'd like to be a hermit and not hear all this stuff going on out here in the world and concentrate on being me but stuff happens. Mom has to get this and that and I tell her not to worry but to enjoy everything. Her response is the same. She is not dead yet and wants more stuff.
Cool.
Anything for MOM.
People should get respect for what they do and who they are not for how much money they can steal.
The only time I wish I was in jail is when one of those big guys gets put away for milking billions or millions from mom and pop and gets seven years, which means they get out in seventeen months or so, from minimum security and still have all the loot to spend. I'd like to do something to make them aware that god does not like what they are doing.
Yet again.
Is that god's will?
Geez I knew he was a rough customer but I didn't think he'd do this to us.
Oh woe is me.
Bring on the cheese and crackers cause I whine about bad people getting away with murder whilst I live in luxury.
I am a bad mother f#@$er.
There was something I thought about sharing but I can't remember what it was.
Something nice.
How we should take care of each other.
Won't remember till later and then it will seem drool.
Life is good for most of us right now right?
I am not the only one getting by right?
The next job I hope to get will be a heck of a lot better so I will actually be doing better than right now and right now is good enough.
Later will decide what I feel about right now.
While I was in the service I was sure that anything other than what I doing would be better.
I guess it's all the same.
Bad people are out there and there is nothing we can do except ignore them as much as we can.
Hit me I need the money.

If I only had a brain

2005-09-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

Last night was one of nights when you wish every night was as easy.
Much had gotten done and I never lost my cool and referred to my co-workers as slow and lazy. For one thing I was much to busy and I never saw how slow they are, the other thing is I guess I have to give up expecting anyone there at this time of being able to compete with me.
The extra work I voluntarily did was of some benefit to someone but for myself it was another show of strength. Sometimes I wonder how other people can say that something is to hard for them to do alone when they don't even try.
Yes, I am a machine I guess. Everyone knows it but they must dislike me for showing them up. That is until I come over and give them some help and then they get all goofy and start expecting me to do all of the work.
I ain't that stupid.
Watch me drop the gear into low and slow and work just as hard as they do.
That is until I forget and start kickin butt.
News out there in the world isn't all I expect it to be.
N. Korea says it will give up it's nukes if we promise not to attack.
We lie, they lie.
I'm more worried about someone else comin over and trying to kick our butt and starting the ball rolling. I'm pretty sure the world is heading for something.
Here's a thought. Why don't we hold people accountable for what they do?
I know I hold myself accountable. If I don't say hello to someone, even if I dislike the nasty cur I feel bad. Like I disappointed them. Like my saying hello means that they will have a decent day or something. Like I'm something or something.
People should know that I hold them in contempt once they show me that they are worthy of my disregard but I'm much to chicken to tell anyone how feeble they are to their face. Maybe they tried their best or something.
Something. You figure it out. I know what I mean. Innuendo. Even now I won't come out and say that I will revel in your abandon. That I pity all you poor people who didn't do what I did all my life. I only hope I am the fool and I never have to do what I think I will have to do. (Nothing creepy I assure you) The last thing I will be is a threat. Four years of auto shop did help. Four years of U.S. Army Infantry did as well.
I always wondered what to do in combat. Do I zig or zag? Duck and dodge?
Now I know. First I say it and then I do it.
The number of stories I've read and the times I've heard the guys say that they just figured they were dead and went about the job are enough to know that anything is possible and that's why they make us do it over and over so that in times of duress we react without thinking.
I have never been in any trouble.
I have never had a fight.
I never hated anyone so much that I said I did.
I did stuff, but it was all to easy for me to think it was anything worth thinking it was anything. I will relate the experience but I do not give it any credence compared to what others have had to endure.
I do not want to hurt anyone ever.
I will hurt the heck out of someone given the right reason.
Leave my mom alone or suffer!
Ha! Made you blink!

kickin butt

2005-09-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Last night was a butt stompin free for all as I out worked and out performed all others and left the job knowing that my share of labor had made my job that more secure. I am a freaking machine!
I will pay for the effort I am sure.
The full (or nearly full) moon must have been making me extra frisky last night or I am just feeling the attributes of eating better than in the recent past.
Usually one meal a day is good enough for me with the tiny nosh here and there and certainly the beer or two after work does me just fine. This weekend I have two steaks with fixin's to devour and I anticipate the luxury of such things.
I am at this moment not unhappy.
I am not unaffected by the plight of all others today but I am once again at ease with certain aspects of my life and wish to only rest and relax for these two meager days off and return to my brutal workplace secure with the knowledge that eight hours of labor isn't going to hurt, just watching my co-workers slacking off might.
I did rant and rave a bit last night as I watched some of the folks I know as associates gather around and have a good old time conversing as they worked and it is not jealousy that makes my disgust rise, it is the fact that the same job that they were doing has been, and will be done by one person in half the time.
Such is life.
Such a thing was similar in the service.
I spent a month or so training and then testing fellow grunts in the use of a compass to determine an azimuth for a certain medal we all attempted to achieve and the number of NCO's coming through who could not even do that simple task made me realize that time in service was all they had to live for and hopefully, maybe they were good people or something.
You point the compass at a terrain feature and read off a number. How hard can it be?
I know that there are a bunch of our fellow folks over in the war zones right now being lead by incompetent buttheads who scraped by long enough to kill some of their own buds by sheer stupidity. That's why the word frag became known as a method of dealing with morons.
The weak will be eaten first.
Follow only the orders that you know are legal.
No one can order you to die for your country. You might have to do so but there is no way 'they' have the authority to commit murder. Yur buds might frag you later but stepping out to see if there is a sniper around is something you keep the malingerers around for. That and someone has to check the air after being in mop four in a battlefield environment that might still be contaminated.
Life sure does suck huh?
We all get a chance to be who we want to be though.
God only expects us to live.
I wonder if he lets babies die because he is teaching someone a lesson.
I never said he didn't have a plan.
Maybe he uses death as a way to teach us all the value of life.

Beer taste's to good for my own good

2005-09-16T08:43:00.000-07:00

Long night last night of kicking butt at work and the slow and weak are still doing their thing.
After waaaaay to many beers I am contemplating not going in tonight.
Getting to old for this stuff.
May the gods smile upon me and release me from this oppression and grant me a boon of that other job soon.
Ahhh beer.
The equalizer.
Life is good once again as long as I don't turn on the tube and find out the tally of people getting blown up by other people who hate.
Why can't we all just get along?
Nuf said for this day.
Time for sleepy bye.

The slow and weak will be eaten

2005-09-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

Work has it's benefits. Cash.
Other than the end product of receiving monetary gain from my labors I am not thrilled with having to deal with some of the other people on this planet.
Where does it say that I can't be the slacker?
Why do I have to finish everyday of work tired and dirty and anxious that everything is finished to the best of my abilities?
Who made me this way?
Those years in the service of my country should have worn off by now. The brainwashing must have been diluted by the many hours of drinking and watching the boob tube.
Maybe what I have to do is just give up.
Become exactly like some of my co-workers and do as little as possible to get by and let the chips fall where they may.
That or get a better paying position somewhere.
My book writing has it's problems. I can review and edit, rewrite and purge, polish and make perfect the first paragraph only to read it again in a week and think there is something that can be said better.
Ah heck.
Just like this drivel.
Who cares?
It is a great story anyway.
Make me a million bucks easy if anyone else liked it enough to read it and publish it.
I remember when a million dollars was a whole lot of money. That show with Gene- whats his name?- as the millionaire who did something like go around and solve crime or something. Was on around the same time as Honey West. I liked her cat.
Then again...
I liked my cat better.
___,,,=^..^=,,,___
Only after the rest of us solve or little problems will we look out at the rest of the world and solve their problems.
Did you think how lucky you were to turn on the tap and get a clean glass of water out of the faucet the last time you did or are you one of them folks who has to drink bottled water cuz the water out of the tap isn't good enough?
That question was directed at people who have clean water coming out of the tap.
Some people don't have a tap.
When I was about to join the peace corps they said stuff like the fact that they don't go into a place a build a well with a pump, they build a well with a rope and a bucket because people can make ropes and buckets but they can't build pump parts.
Why can't other parts of our world be as smart as that?
Our governments, our Friends, us?
Kiss
K.I.S.S.
Keep It Simple Stupid.
As said before. One law and then a person doing the thinking after that.
Killing is wrong.
Don't kill.
If you do then know the fact that you might get killed.
Dying is easy.
Everybody does.
Just before you do you wish you had another chance.
Clutching at straws and all.
I had a near death experience a couple times and it wasn't bad at all.
Of course I was sorta doing to myself. Fasting, then drinking sort of thing but the whole thing about going out and meeting the others (dead folks) was okay. I was reassured that they were okay and to tell their folks that everything was okay and then I heard the commotion back here and said I'd be right back to talk but I had to go back and reassure people that I was okay but when I did I couldn't get back cause I woke up and things were as they are.
I didn't mind. Didn't harm me a bit.
Scared everyone else to a frazzle.
To reassure them I had a EKG and a check up but I knew what I did and screw them.
Even if it was something out of my id then so what?
I still ain't afraid to die.
Ask the people at my work. I ask them to kill me all the time.
Sick ain't I?
Probably.
Who cares?
Not me.
(I do)
I worry all the time about what I project. Like 'Am I a jerk for having said that?' 'Did he or she think I meant something else because what I meant was something totally different?' 'Don't they get the joke?'
I must admit I am weird.
I give a hoot.
Other people can say it better but what I know is that when you give 'your word', promise something, it has to have meaning or you ain't nothing.
That old saying "A man is only as good as his word" is for people who live around the guy back in the old days when someone wasn't going anywhere.
Now a'days people come and go so often with job changes and other crap that they can fool you with never having to be tested.
My friends can rely on me.
So far.
Stuff happens.
There is no law that says we have to be perfect.
Best if we are not. Might give us some sort of complex or something.
I lost FORTY pounds! Ask me how.
"How did you lose forty pounds?"
I worked for a living!
No. Actually I just worked like a dog and the pounds melted off. Better than a gym. They paid me.
Had a girl tell me I was skinny. That and something about my tiny butt.
In todays lingo I know she wants it.
She wants it bad.
Skinny!
Growing up I was skinny.
Then I found four squares and a cot in the service.
Man I grew!
Always knew I was bigger.
Now I'm skinny.
er.
Skinny-er.
Kinda miss my belly.
Meant I wasn't so tired from working all the time.
I gotta go to sleep or else I'll have to go back to work worse than I am now which is

Calm before the storm

2005-09-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

It is getting close to the time when I will have to go back to work after a very short weekend.
Though I must admit I did catch up on some much needed sleep and laying around time I still have a few aches and pains that are the result of kicking butt at work last week and only a prolonged rest will allow any recuperation I fear.
Such will not be the case as this week may be as heavy and stressful as last and there is little if anything I can do about it as the money earned by my labors will allow me to survive until something better comes along. All I know is that I will do my best to complete any work sent my way and assist any of my associates with any overflow, even if they are of the slow and lazy type I am surrounded by.
Am I so old? Do not the younger people among us realize that work is given to those who perform and the boot is given to those who work at getting away with doing as little as possible?
Yes I know that there plenty of my generation that are of the slow and lazy ilk yet those around me at work seem to be able to perform at a steady, get the work done pace night after night without complaint, unlike myself.
Years of brain washing in the army has left me with a brain that I just can't seem to do anything with let alone use.
Maybe I should preview such things that I write here before I publish them but I believe I shall never have anyone else read any of this so this is my own little world. My journal to the world.
I'm so great.
I'm sooo cool.
I'm not.
I am.
Leave me alone.
Help me to understand why we have so much evil in the world when there is so much we can do with just a little honesty.
How much power and money does it take to satisfy some of these people?
I don't care.
I believe in the simple things I learned as a child.
Why have a thousand different laws when the first one was enough.
Killing someone is against the law. Why have different laws as far as if they were gay or police officers or green for that matter.
Oh yeah. I forgot. The revolving door into and out of our prisons.
Kill someone and get life in prison and then get out in seven.
Then back in and back out and maybe third strike material stuff when the first time used to be enough to be strung up at the nearest tree and 'poof' no more problem.
Yes I know how many innocent people are killed by our justice system as well.
I can't seem to get ahead yet I can help spend millions of dollars to house and defend someone who killed his family who will appeal his death sentence how many times costing me even more money?
That money could go to helping others out here who need a proper education and hope for the future.
My own thoughts are scrambled.
The old "don't do the crime if you can't do the time" is something that has kept me from doing many things that might have been easier than brutal days of labor that have worn me to a nub yet I can hold my head up and my shoulders back with just a tiny bit of pride. I worked for what I got.
What little charity I received has been when I had no other way of surviving. I am thankful and won't deny anyone a helping hand.
That is a helping hand. Not a hand out that becomes a way of life for some.
Nag nag nag.
There but by the grace of god go I. (Everyone else as well)
Five days till payday!
What does the future hold for us?
We will see won't we?

Oh the Joy!

2005-09-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

Why don't I remember how lucky I am all the time?
How come I feel like I am being oppressed when things do not go my way?
Compared to a lot of people on this earth I am the luckiest man alive and I should feel guilty.
Inside my tiny mind I am nothing special and empathize with every hard luck story I see and hear about. A whole bunch of people die every day, not always from natural causes I'm sure and what would they give for just one more day of life? My life?
Not that there is any guarantee that today is not my last day as well.
As I make the best of things as well as I can I sometimes do reflect that I have worked hard to have such a hum drum life and I want things the way they are.
I am lucky.
I was born at the right time and moved through life missing the bad parts by moments perhaps, escaping to this time with most of my parts still attached.
When I do feel especially down on myself I have to remember that there were days when what I did was noticed and I did do some things that made a difference to others in a good way.
A little cheese and crackers with that whine?
As far as everybody else being in harms way, surviving disaster and/or war, there but by the grace of god go we.
Day ain't over and I don't hear anyone promising me that all is well.
Let's all go out and do our chores and get ready for the next week with the intent that maybe something will happen and we will have to decide the fate of other peoples life with our actions.
Will we be the nice guy or the selfish guy? (person)
Who will know?
You'd better stay out of my way. Work is an ordeal with other people being the reason. Why should I work as hard as I do when 'they' can walk around sipping a cup of joe or chatting with co-workers?
Young folks!
Am I the old person I swore I would never become?
Am I old?
I don't feel old.
I seem to kick butt and not suffer the next day from the exertion.
I bet I can still hump a sixty pound ruck and a sixty farther than you can.
Now I remember!
I am free!
I am doing just as I please without someone telling me when I can go and come.
Now I remember!
Oh the joy!

It may be a mess but it's my world

2005-09-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

The sad thing is some of us don't have a freaking clue.
What happens in the world while we are busy living in this 'one' moment in time happens.
Certainly things will happen even if we ourselves are not here right?
Yet if a pebble is thrown into a pond it does make ripples.
We are not expected to be perfect are we? I thought we just got to live.
What happens-happens.
Do you or don't you? Do this or that? Help or hinder?
Your decision.
My decision.
Take responsibility for what you do with every thought and every deed, every day and every second of your life.
Plenty of quotes to quote but my personnal favorite of late still is "Why can't we all just get along?"
I don't think we ever will be able to live in peace but then again I am a nobody.
I want for nothing that I can aquire through effort and desire only a few unattainable things that remain goals to be achived.
I'd like to think that the good in the world still out weighs the evil but I am not so sure the grand design of things makes any difference between the two.
What I belive to be good may be someone else's evil anyway.
From early on I had been taught certain things about life and I was told I must regard them as fact only to change my opinion later in life from personnal experience and seeing that the facts of the matter are not always what I expected.
I have grown now to doubt anything I hear about everything is the truth.
Why lie? Why admit to being a small person?
That is all for me now.