One week down

The first week of new employment has passed and only a lifetime to go. I think I have things going my way, now if only I am able to maintain will I get through the next period of being the fng. One huge fear is that I will go insane and do something stupid. I don't recall ever self destructing but now that things are going so well I fear for myself.
Will I ever feel secure?
Do I want to feel secure?
Am I so comfortable being the little guy who has no responsibility that I will subconsciously do something to return to mediocrity?
Remembering where I am from is important yet it also is a tool to use so that I do not become 'one of them' as well.
My future is cast and I am only seeing the present as it arrives.
Will I win?

Almost afraid

I have done the very thing I have hoped to accomplish in my recent actions and now I wait for the deed to transpire.
Monday will be the first day in what I hope will be the beginning to a beautiful world that will open my eyes to the wonders of life that have escaped me for so long, hidden by the fear and loathing of how the world treats it's lowest creatures who merely desire to experience life and not to participate in the frenzy of 'the game'.
I myself hope to no longer have the minor worries of the past that have plagued me.
Now... If only the world can contain itself just a little longer and not destroy itself, I will attempt to be happier than ever.
Such a small thing huh?
This next step forward will not change me, it will give me hope that the rest of the world can do the very same.
I will not forget what I have survived through nor the people I have left behind.
My next chapter in this life might just be my worst nightmare after all, but lets let things happen and see if there is anything I can do to control myself.
This news of the flu pandemic coming soon is not worrisome to myself, I can whoop any virus that comes my way due to the fact that I have a will to live like no other person I know of. There is something I have been placed in this time and place to do and as far as I can see it is not to die from a bug.
Will the world allow the people to suffer? Will a certain government spread this newest disease among it's enemy's just so that they are not the only country stricken?
The paranoia that spreads through my mind with the possibilities of the evil that men are capable of doing sends me into shock knowing that I too am capable of these actions all done in the name of what I believe to be good and right.
While I live and breathe there is a fear in me that I have the responsibility of the world on my shoulders, that my next deed or action just might be the lever that sends the world spinning into a darkness that none shall enjoy.
A impoliteness given out without thought, a gesture or action that drives another over the edge, a pivotal word that starts the whole ball of wax melting into a puddle.
Oh yeah, I am the only one out here that has anything to do with the ways of the world and what happens.
If I wake up from this dream all of you will cease to exist and I will forget everything in a moment as I rise to face another day in the real world.
How do you know? How would I know?
Pinch me?
I've had some dreams where everything is real. Sights, sounds, textures, everything. As real as this world is right now. Thank goodness I am not prone to having nightmares. With my imagination I could easily scare myself to death. I did once. Okay, not to death but the image I saw was the scariest thing ever thought of and I hope it was nothing to do with the future because if it is I am a dead man.
Whatever it was in my dream that scared me made this world I am experiencing right now seem like paradise which this world just might be after all.
Right here, right now might just be the best we (or I) will ever have things.
With the price of everything going up and out of here, the rich getting way to rich and the poor becoming way to poor, what is left?
Is there someone who is coming along to make everything okay?
If they do try I bet they get killed by the 'others'.
The only thing I see bringing everybody to a level playing field is perhaps something like aliens coming around and letting us know that we are not alone.
Maybe eating a few of us to draw us into a family of earthlings instead of the fractured people we are right now.
All I know is if they eat us then they must be able to be eaten by us as well and there are few things worse than a cornered human.
How about an asteroid hitting the planet and the next chapter of evolution happens in a couple hundred million years with the next dominant race of creature finding bones of our time on earth and wondering what happened to us just as we wonder what happened to the dinosaurs, whom I believe were around for millions of years while we are still only thousands of years young and have ruined certain things already.
Maybe.
Maybe there is a plan and things are going right along as they should.
I am supposed to think this and go out today and do that.
If I have no choice in the matter then I have no responsibility for my actions do I?
Everything is going to happen with or without my saying a darn thing.
Unless there is free will out there and my actions are a ripple in time and cause and effect will make a difference.
The old stories about time travelers who go back in time and step on a bug which then changes everything sort of deal.
Beware what you do then.
Do you want to be remembered as the person who saved the world or ended mankind's rule?
I don't care really.
Starting Monday I will better myself and grow.
Unlike you and you who will stay in the comfort of your ruts and stagnate.
I am so going to pay for my rantings.
Maybe today I will find that certain someone as well.
Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe never.
At least I have my mind back inside my head.

All a twitter

It seems as though I can not keep my mind on any one subject now as my life is heading for a distinct change and I am fearful I will not handle things as well as I hope.
I am not feeling any different from normal physically yet my mind is incapable of sorting information in it's usual efficient fashion and this perturbs me.
What happens in the next few days will be of great importance.
I will either make a break out of my current situation and travel forward through life or I will suffer another setback and depression.
Time will tell.
As will I when time passes.

This time maybe...

Okay I came back clean from my background check as far as I am concerned. I am available for employment if I can pass the medical exam and I know I'm good to go for that.
Maybe this time I will get the heck out of where I am at and get to a loftier place that, to me, will be a much better place.
What gets me into a frazzled state is that some people would look at the employment position I aspire to achieve as such a common position that they would not wish anything of it's like upon anyone they know. "It" being such a job you would never succumb to unless you have been charged with some heinous crime such as being a rotten fruit from daddy's loins.
There are a lot of spoiled rich brats out there who will get their comeuppance's when they find out that daddy and mom were posers who really didn't know anything except how to live well off of someone else's labor.
Maybe.
There is always the great-grand-parent who has to protect the family name.
My grandma always strove for me to be a good person god bless her soul.
Not that I haven't been trying to be a good person but I have been a lazy slob who enjoyed living more than planning for a future.
The job I am going to GET is a good one for me!
Now that I am here at this time and date I figure I can (should) plan a little better and get something out of the many positions I have enjoyed in life and coast a little.
No grand plan of 'getting over' but a solid thought that this might be a good time to get some cash in the bank for when things get really serious.
Old age can't be fun can it with the eventual end?
Heck. As old as I am now I am having problems with things I took for granted and now know that no one will care that the damage I did to myself physically was from actions taken to protect them (everyone) from evil that would have occurred had I not been in the place and time I had been. (maybe).
Maybe this is the way things happen.
You and I get a little older and we find out that getting somewhere isn't as important as the trip you take getting there.
I know more than I think, I think.
Therefore I am.

Being helpless

I hate most the feeling of helplessness whilst waiting for information or news of something that I need to proceed on my journey through this life.
Right now I need something to happen to further my being and I have found out that 'it' might take as long as a month to happen.
A month!
A whole darn month that I could otherwise be using to create a whole new me.
Sometimes I am not happy.
Life sucks and then you die right?
If it were not for ill luck I would not have much luck at all it seems.
Yet I have had the most luck of all since I am here pounding away at these very keys typing this drivel and no one is the wiser.
The many exploits that might have taken someone else to their grave I have conquered and exploited for my own gain if not in length of life but in experience, certainly not for monetary gain.
The evils of seeking the cash at the end of the rainbow must be one of my most horrible dreams. Not a nightmare mind you but the thought of getting something without effort (much effort mind you) has been a carrot stuck out in front of me my whole life and I find it easier to ignore it now than to try to grasp that which has little if any benefit.
Money does buy certain things but it never will buy things that you appreciate the most like true friends or happiness.
Of course I'd like to try a little variation on the old get rich and buy what I like deal once just to make sure you know.
Falling in love with someone who might just love you for the person you are might be better than being used because you have cash but it won't satisfy the lust in ones heart.
There is a certain 'someone' whom I respect greatly who is sticking to her guns and that is one of the things I find most attractive about her.
She is willing to suffer a harder life (sans me) than necessary even with the opportunity of escape inches away merely because she said she would.
Not a married person mind you, just a girl who won't bail on her man cause things are tight.
Why can't I meet a girl like that?
Looks are one thing but personal integrity is something else.
I heard all that stuff about a man being only as good as his word and by golly it seems to have come true that I think the same way as all them old people who told me that crap who were once as young as I was once.
Learn from the past? Not in any young mans life!
A young man (myself) feels that 'This must certainly be the first time anyone has felt this way and if anyone else even suggests something different I will throw up because, I must be right!' Right?
I find myself wondering why I have nothing.
Then I remember. I have everything.
I was not willing to sacrifice myself for greed or security for the things money might procure.
What good would they do me while I was suffering from the guilt?
While I am a selfish person now it has been through great effort. Once upon a time I used to anything to make people happy with knowing me. Now I just hope I don't piss them off to much if I don't pay attention to them like they think I should.
Bad people? They are all around me but I pretty much ignore them. If I have to converse with them due to work or society rules I then take the high road and offer them courtesy but always with the look in my eyes that they must be able to read as "Hey I might have to say something but I wish you were not here because- not that I am better than you, but you are worse then me-."
When asked the question of how my day is going I always have the ready answer of "it has to get better" unless the question had been asked by someone whom I choose to speak with and then I will seek to understand the depth of their question. Polite greeting or concern?
Here is a thought.
Something happens.
To you.
To me.
Same thing right?
Do you think this, that or the other thing?
You might.
I think of the three hundred sixty ways the facts might be construed since I have the time. My point of view at this one place and from the opposite end and then from the left and from the right. Given I have the time right?
No time? Then I make a decision and follow through because I have picked which way I want things to fall. To the right. What ever will be right. Not what will be best for me but what will let me sleep without having to think that I just ruined some poor (poorer) jerks life just cause I thought I could make a bit of cash.
The few times I did such a thing I hate and wring my hands over the concern.
Telling someone that they dropped a dollar bill or something of worth and them taking them back into their possession is one of my favorite things.
Having to hand change back to cashiers because they gave me to much change is not my favorite thing but it is the 'one thing' I will do because they should learn how to make change and not cost their employer profits due to their ignorance.
Three dollars and ninety four cents from five dollars is six cents right? Not six dollars and six cents. If you have never had to hand cash back to someone and explain how you arrived at you answer; that you only handed them a five dollar bill and there should not be any way that they should have to pay me to eat their food, then you are lucky.
Or taking cash from morons because it is easy to do.
How do you know that they have to make up the difference?
Didn't know and don't care?
Wait till it happens to you and you need the extra fifteen bucks you lost to get something special for someone else. Then you will thank your god that someone out there is a nice person and not a grand witch of some cult.
Hey think this way or die!
I had to do it. Or suffer.
Thank you U.S.Army...
Now I am nobody and happy to be me.

Sorta.